Spiritual hunger and spiritual thirstBut you got to change itOn the inside firstTo be satisfied(Van Morrison) Last night, I had an epic "fast" fail. I was supposedly making a mango curry over quinoa recipe and I must have purchased chia seeds instead of quinoa (thanks Shoprite for having them in bins right next to each other). Needless to say, I cooked this supposed quinoa according to the directions and I ended up with a black pile of very broth-soaked chia seeds. The best part of all is that Allen did say "aren't those chia seeds?" as we were purchasing them and I assured him, "No, they're quinoa." Thankfully, this was one of those moments (and it could have gone either way) that I just laughed and we made some actual quinoa I had in the pantry. It's a little over one week into Hummus and Hosanna. I believe I am starting Day 9 of 40. I am out of sorts. I started off with a great attitude and was really excited for all that God was going to do, the great breakthroughs and the weight I was going to lose (don't judge me. I know it's not supposed to be about weight loss). But reality struck pretty quickly. The comfort foods I eat that hold me emotionally and physically have been stripped away and I am left with an internal hunger for something all the time. It's a low-lying buzz in my body and in my mind, an unsettledness in my spirit. You might be reading this and thinking, "not a lot of hope and healing here." This sounds like despair and dis-ease. I hear you. It sure does. When I have all these sensations (which is also quite often) on my regular "non-fast" days, I reach for the fridge or pantry door. Potato chips and milk (I know, it's really weird, but it's seriously my favorite snack ever). Slices of Jarlsberg cheese. An Almond Joy from the candy jar. It works. I am temporarily satisfied and that interior craving seems quieted. It happens all over again the next day and the next day and the day after that until the voice inside is minimized to a whisper that cannot be heard. I go about my business as usual believing all is right and well with my world. Until it's not. Until the "tools" (quick fixes) I normally have are not available anymore. What now? I have two choices: reach for the cheese, chocolate and chips or sit, listen and explore the noisiness in my spirit, the cry of my heart, the jitters in my body. I probably won't reach for those foods because I am a "line-in-the-sand" kind of girl and a rule follower for the most part (plus I shouted to the world on my blog that I am doing this). I also know that this is what is best for me, even if it feels not so good right this second. I choose to trust the process, and the God who is the orchestrator of that process. I explore parts that are usually shut down by physical satiation. I ask myself these questions: What do I really need? What am I hungry for? What will truly make me satisfied, at peace, filled with the "long-view" kind of good? I want to quickly jump ahead and repeat some Bible verses or inspirational quotes to myself, but that becomes just another form of "food," a way of quieting the noise. The real truth is I am not sure. I don't know yet. I am waiting with hopeful expectation. This is where I am and this is what's true. I don't have to be sure or know quite yet. I'm really okay. You might be waiting too. You might have a noisiness in your own spirit, a cry of your own heart, jitters in your own body. I imagine there are times that you do. What if we listened and explored together? If so, I see a glimmer of hope on the horizon for both of us.
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