You know that thing in your life that needs to be allowed to die? or be let go of?
I had one of those "things" [and it was big for me] these past several months.
I watched it slowly go down hill. I denied that it was actually happening. I fought for it to stay alive with all my might.
But as much as I tried and tried and tried, at 1:00 AM this past Thursday morning, I decided in no uncertain terms to let it go.
Let it die.
And I took quick action at 1:00 AM to do so.
I don't always make the best decisions in the middle of the night because of all the weird things that go on in my brain when I can't sleep.
But when I woke up the next morning, I felt lighter and more hopeful than I had in a long time.
And I knew the decision was one that would bring me the fresh start I needed.
A strange thing happened in and among all the "rainbows and butterflies" feelings.
Grief showed up in the middle of it.
I got a touch angry at all the work I had poured into said "thing."
I went back into denial that this actually was happening (but that was only for a few moments because it was so glaring).
My eyes found themselves in a place of wet tears that flowed down my face, speaking to the sadness that I finally gave room for.
I actually tried once again to see if there was any possible way to keep this "thing" alive (maybe all that I had tried hadn't worked, but maybe, just maybe, there was ONE more way to resuscitate it).
Even this morning, I am still questioning myself and my decision to let it die.
But somewhere in the swirl of it all, I have come to a place of acceptance that letting this "thing" go is what's right and good and best and loving and I have undeniable hope that redemption, resurrection, transformation and all that allows me to be truly free is waiting.
Because freedom is what I'm fighting for.
Freedom from...
pretending. staying stuck in my old self and old ways. unhealthy patterns that were hurting me.
And also
Freedom for...
authenticity. doing the next right thing in love. wholeness.
This whole process is one of the most difficult things we do as humans.
It's so much easier to go round and round on the hamster wheel. To cling to what's no longer good for us. To let what needs to go, go. To let it die, bury it and say goodbye.
Sometimes, we need to hold on. But other times, we need to move on.
And often, it takes a long time to figure that out.
And it takes even longer to mete it out.
Today, I am thankful for that call of my soul that woke me up in the middle of the night.
The one that wouldn't give up. Or give in.
The one that shouted, "NOW IS THE TIME!"
I'm glad I listened this time around.