I'm Late for Lent

I'm late for Lent.

But somehow I don't feel like I am.

It feels like it's been Lent for a year.

All the sacrifices. All the not having. All the fasting. All the giving up. All the solitude. All the praying.

So when Ash Wednesday showed up on my "Birthday Eve," I wasn't having it! (at least not yet)

I wanted a day or two or three or four to celebrate. Have my own "Fat Tuesday" of sorts.

A party with friends (over Zoom) to play games and blow out a virtual candle on a virtual cupcake.

A big giant chocolate chip cookie after a delicious take out dinner with my husband.

A guilt-free social media binge day to see all the birthday wishes from friends old and new, far and near.

A day filled with dings on my phone and a few cards in my mailbox.

A final hurrah two whole days later with my kids escaping some locked internet room.

A few days to celebrate. Revel. Create my own carnival.

But now I am ready for Lent.

Fat Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday are over.

The normal chips, chocolate and cheese are out the window (except for on Celebration Sundays...look it up...it's a thing).

But that's not really what I'm ready for.

That's not the Lent I'm diving into. Not this year.

I'm giving up the BIG THREE... (or at least trying to)

FEAR.

Not the put-your-seatbelt-on-to-protect-myself kind of fear.

I need that.

More like the people-might-not-like-me kind. The I-might-fail kind. The I'm-not-going-to-be-okay kind.

I do not need that at all.

GUILT.

Not the take-responsibility-for-my-harmful-actions kind of guilt.

I need that.

More like the I-never-do-anything-right kind. The responsible-for-everyone-else's-feelings kind. The why-do-I-have-a-good-marriage-and-my-friend-doesn't kind.

I do not need that at all.

SHAME.

Not the I-was-unkind-to-my-husband-last-night-and-I-don't-want-to-do-that-again kind.

I need that.

More like the I-am-a-bad-person-no-matter-what-I-do kind. The how-could-anyone-ever-love-me kind. The God-must-be-disappointed-in-me kind.

I do not need that at all.

But because this is a year where I've already given up lots and lots and lots more, I'm making room for a different BIG THREE.

FAITH.

Believing something that hasn't happened yet will come true. Especially what I can't see with my the eyes in my head, but maybe I can with the eyes of my heart.

I need that.

HOPE.

The confident expectation in the God who is my Father, the One who wants good for me. The anchor for my soul that grounds me and reminds me that good always triumphs over evil in the end.

I need that.

LOVE.

The intense feeling of deep affection that God has for me and that I have for others. The great interest and immense pleasure that God has for me and that I have for others. It never fails. It always wins.

I need that for sure.

So Lent, I welcome you with open arms.

I've had a lot of you this year.

But I'm ready for just a little bit more.

I am running a little late.

Or maybe, I'm right on time.